Gary Gensler Becomes Twitter's Newest Crypto Advisor

There is a lot of controversy surrounding the 'presale' that Ben.eth put on for his $PSYOP token. Many people were dismayed when the airdrop occurred and their initial investment value dropped over 90%. Nobody was more confused about this entire situation than leaders at the IRS. The IRS spends so much time, effort, and money trying to ensure that citizens who owe taxes (the validity of 'owing taxes' is up for debate). However after seeing Ben.eth raise a cool $6 million in such a short amount of time, IRS leaders have been left scratching their heads. One insider told us that high-ups in the IRS are considering reaching out to Ben.eth for a consultation. Their main goal is to figure out a strategy to get more US taxpayers to voluntarily send the IRS funds. The IRS figures that if Ben.eth can get so many people to send him money even when so many other people are saying it's a scam, they can get some people to send them money since even they know that taxes are a scam at this point.

Many investors have made out handsomely over the years investing in banks. However, with the recent massive drops in value that many banks have experienced over the last week, investors are starting to sweat. Banking charts have started to look like memecoin rugs that have been occurring over the last couple of weeks. If you have spent any time on Twitter the past couple of weeks, you are well aware of $PEPE and how it has kicked off memecoin season in the crypto space. It seems like every other tweet has something to do with trying to find the next 10x coin to jump into to make some quick gains. We reached out to some seasoned banking investors who told us that the banking collapse is perfectly timed for getting investors used to their next endeavor: memecoin investing. Banking investors figure that if the banking charts look similar to the memecoin charts, then what’s the harm in moving investments into unbacked and completely speculative magic internet money? At the end of the day the value is all made up anyways right?

In recent news, the NFT market has hit a lull, leaving many traders in a state of despair. One such trader, Tom, was once a king in the digital world of non-fungible tokens, but now finds himself a mere shadow of his former self. Once a bright and buzzing individual, Tom's obsession with NFTs have turned him into a hermit, glued to his computer screen day and night. Profit was the game, and NFTs were the avenue. With enthusiasm at an all-time-low, Tom resorted to desperate measures in an attempt to bring up his spirits: he went outside. Unsure of where to go, Tom just stood in his backyard. It seemed apparent to us that he had no idea where to go. Perhaps he had forgotten the locations of his favorite spots from his former life. Before we could catch up with Tom, he had already retreated back into his mom's basement.  We will check back in with Tom the next time he goes outside. Rumor has it if he sees his shadow, we're in for a bear market for at least another 6 months.

In the world of NFTs, one collector stands out as the ultimate "loser" - not because he's a bad investor, but because he seems to have a knack for buying NFTs that always end up losing him money. Meet Timmy, a self-proclaimed NFT enthusiast who can't seem to catch a break when it comes to investing in digital art. Timmy has a vast collection of NFTs, but unfortunately, he's not doing too well in terms of returns on his investments. In fact, he's lost money on every single NFT he's ever purchased. Timmy isn't fazed but his continual losses - he claims that he buys the NFTs "for the art." According to Timmy, he doesn't care about making money off his NFT investments. He's more interested in the artistic value of each piece. When asked about his recent purchase of a pixelated banana NFT that he bought for 10 Eth, which is now worth only 0.01 Eth, Timmy simply shrugged and said, "I bought it for the artistic statement it makes, not the potential profit." In the end, Timmy may never make a profit on his NFT investments, but he's perfectly happy with his collection of digital art. And who knows, maybe one day his NFTs will be worth something, but until then, he'll continue to appreciate them "for the art."

Miami, FL - The crypto bear market has been brutal for investors, but for Freddy Stedhousen, it was deadly. The poor guy was found lifeless in his Miami apartment with his phone clutched in his hand, and a look of despair on his face that would break even the most hardened of hearts. What could have driven Freddy to his untimely demise, you ask? Well, it seems like he was waiting for the long-awaited MetaMask airdrop to hit his wallet. Freddy was so obsessed with the airdrop that he had been feverishly searching the web for any news about it, hoping it would be the ticket to his financial freedom. Unfortunately, the airdrop never arrived, and neither did Freddy's salvation. His tragic end serves as a cautionary tale for all those who put their faith in the whims of the crypto gods. We can only hope that MetaMask releases their airdrop soon, before anyone else meets the same fate as poor Freddy. Rest in peace, Freddy, may your soul find solace in the blockchain beyond.

After seeing the United States government pledge another $2.6 billion to Ukraine, Changpeng Zhao of Binance made the executive decision the change the company’s logo to the Ukrainian flag today. Many left wing, formerly anti-war liberals praised the crypto exchange, making many question if this was a public relations move by Binance to attract more people to the exchange. We reached out to CZ for a comment on the move. He responded: “With all of the recent failings in the crypto and finance sector due to liquidity problems, we thought maybe the US government would throw some cash our way. Good things happened to Doge when Twitter changed their logo to the Dogecoin logo, and since the US seems to have a bottomless pit of cash for Ukraine, we figured we’d try to get in on the action.” It doesn’t appear that the move has paid off quite yet, but many employees are hoping it will, as their jobs may rely on it in the end.

BREAKING NEWS - In an unprecedented move, Vitalik Buterin has completely sold off all his ETH this morning. It appears that he not sold off all of his eth, but he also used those funds to purchase a large quantity of bitcoin. Shortly after selling, he tweeted “Moving to the superior blockchain. I regret even building the Ethereum network in the first place. Seeing all that Bitcoin can do, why would we need anything else?” According to the Ethereum blockchain explorer, Vitalik also sent hit vitalik.eth ens domain to the Ethereum burn address. It’s currently set to expire in 100 years. It looks like this is the beginning of the end for Ethereum.

MANHATTAN, NY - Former president Donal Trump was officially indicted today by a New York grand jury. Many supporters of Trump have already voiced their outrage around the timing of the indictment, claiming Dems are weaponizing the justice system to interfere with his presidential campaign. In spite of these claims, we were able to get the inside track on the real reason the grand jury chose to indict Donald Trump. As it turns out, all of the members of the grand jury admitted to at one point owning one of Trumps NFTs. You would think that this would mean that they were big fans of the former president. However after further questioning, it appears that the jurors ended up selling the bottom on Trumps NFTs. There’s no word yet on how this news will affect the indictment.

In a stunning revelation, it has been uncovered that banks hate Bitcoin not because it challenges their monopoly on money or its decentralized nature, but because they believe the proof of work aspect of the cryptocurrency requires users to prove that they are actually doing real work at their jobs. This startling insight comes after an investigation into the banking industry's attitudes towards Bitcoin. The investigation found that while some banks have spoken out against the cryptocurrency, citing concerns about its volatility and lack of regulation, others have quietly expressed a different view. According to anonymous sources within the banking industry, many executives and managers believe that the proof of work system used in Bitcoin requires users to actually show proof that they are doing work at their jobs. This has led many executives within the industry to view Bitcoin as a threat to their positions, as they haven’t proven to do any meaningful and honest work ever. We’ve reached out to a number of executives in the banking industry but none were available for comment.